I loved being pregnant. Every single moment. I was sick as a dog and lost four pounds my first three months but would do it again a trillion times over. I loved knowing, no matter where I was, that I wasn't alone...that it was me & someone else. I couldn't wait until my tummy got huge and round and what I wouldn't do to feel you kick again. I loved being pregnant. I loved it, loved it, loved it. It was a perfect pregnancy, a dream. And when I knew that our time together, being a part of each other was almost over, I cried. I cried because, despite the fact I was just sick with excitement to meet you, hold you, love you...I knew you wouldn't be a part of me physically anymore. And that is the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to me. Ever.
You were due on April 1 and Daddy and I thought you weren’t going to come any earlier. I remember the doctor kept telling us that you were a “textbook” pregnancy, so we naturally thought you would come on your due date. On the Sunday before you were due, we had big plans of going out to lunch to watch the end of March Madness and then to walking the aisles of the grocery store. And we did – both while holding hands and laughing. It was the perfect Sunday, a perfect Spring day. We had no idea you were on your way. I remember feeling wonderfully happy.
And then I felt a cramp. And then another one. And then one more that was a little worse than the first two. By this time we were home - Daddy was outside working in the garage and I was relaxing on the couching in my favorite sweats. I remember waddling outside and handed Daddy his cell phone and told him I think this is it. He just smiled and said ok, go lay down I will be in soon. I went upstairs and laid down – and called him right away because they were worse. Daddy became my hero. He called the dog sitter (who didn’t answer and so the dogs were left home), packed the car and all but carried me downstairs. He drove us to the hospital like a pro (ran a few red lights and missed all the bumps on the road ¬) while holding my hand and telling me it was all going to be ok. I will never forget the look on his face and the steadiness in his voice. His face was the beautiful mix of scared and excited while his voice was confident and calm.
The hospital was quiet and not busy at all, like they were waiting for us – Daddy had to leave me in the car while he went to go find a wheelchair, I would have sworn you were going to come out while I was alone and waiting for him to come back for us. He came back and hustled me to the delivery ward. As he stopped to get us checked in, a nurse saw the look of pain and anticipation on my face and whisked me away knowing that you weren’t going to last for the check in process. She was wheeling me away asking important questions, which I don’t remember, when my water broke.
I remember looking at Daddy’s face and my fear of him being less excited than I was completely dissolved. Everything thing I was feeling inside was showing on his face. I remember feeling very very in love with the man I married. It was just so...real. And happening.
I don’t remember how I got there but I was still in my tank top up on the delivery bed with the nurses and doctor (not my doctor, but some strange doctor) telling me to push. I looked right at Daddy and told him I need to get my epidural first, and a nurse laughed – she actually laughed – saying there wasn’t time, that you were coming now. The atmosphere in the room was happy and jovial and everything I wanted for your birth. Everything I wanted for my perfect Spring Sunday. I remember the nurses joking with each other and the doctor telling me it will all be over in a few minutes – I couldn’t tell you what they looked like or what their actual words were, but I remember the feeling in the room. It was pure elation and love.
At 6:58 pm, my world was forever changed. I remember you being placed in my arms and the instant love and devotion I felt for you. I remember knowing right then I would stop anything from hurting you. I remember when they took you from me to clean you up and get your measurements (7lbs 4 ounces 21.5 inches of joy) and I told your Daddy to go with you so you weren’t alone. You were so small and so perfect. I couldn’t get over how perfect you were. I remember it seemed like forever for you to be back in my arms, and then it was just the three of us. Our little perfect family. We didn’t have time to call anyone while I was in labor (from first cramp to holding you was less than 3 hours), so we started our phone calls to let everyone know you had arrived. I remember being so proud and emotional. I was overwhelmed with everything but didn’t want it to end. My stomach felt so empty but my heart felt so full – I remember telling you I love you over and over. I remember your Daddy holding you in a rocking chair and crying at the sight of the two loves of my life. My world was in that rocking chair and it took my breath away.
I remember thinking I must be dreaming because certainly, the happiness I felt was not humanly possible. It. Was. Beautiful. I remember it was later that night when we were moved into a nicer room upstairs. I remember the quiet of the room where it was just the three of us glowing with love – Daddy and I couldn’t stop kissing you and snuggling you. After a few hours, I told Daddy to go home, get some food, take care of the dogs and get some sleep. I remember thinking that my heart would burst, just sitting there holding you, looking at you and knowing I got to be alone with you for the next several hours, loving on you and not having to share you with the rest of the world yet. Just you and me.
I don't know what else to say. It’s just untouchable ground, that whole day is ours. Filled with pure, raw emotional love.
...I know that’s a choppy ending...but it hasn't ended. It keeps going.
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